Editor's Note: This is an excerpt from the book "Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings," by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP.
Throughout this book, three essential themes are at the core of how adults affect children's resilience: 1. Unconditional love is the bedrock of resilience because it creates security; 2. Children meet adult expectations, for better or worse; and 3. Children watch what we do more than they listen to what we say.
Let's look at these themes more closely.
Unconditional Love
Unconditional love gives children the deep-seated security that allows them to take chances when they need to adapt to new circumstances and the knowledge that in the long run all will be OK. For now, I simply urge you to keep in mind those feelings of protection that you had toward your child when he was a baby.
As he grows up and away from you, pushing your buttons and trying your patience, show him your unconditional love. Don't assume that he knows it or takes it for granted. We must never let a child think we don't love and believe in him, even when we dislike or disapprove of his behaviors. Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional approval. The child is not the behavior. Parents can reject certain behaviors and simultaneously love the child completely. The key is that love is never withdrawn or threatened to be withheld based on a behavior. It is about your child knowing that you are not going anywhere, no matter what.
Hopefully parents will be the source of this essential ingredient of resilience, but a grandparent, an uncle, an aunt, a teacher, a health professional, or a counselor can also fill that role. The more supportive adults in a child's life, the more firmly rooted and unshakable his security will be.
Expect The Best
Youngsters live up or down to their parents' expectations. If parents expect the best of their children, kids tend to live up to those standards. High standards really matter, but let me be crystal clear - by high standards, I am not referring to achievements. I don't mean straight-A report cards, consistent 10s in gymnastics, or pitching perfect little league games. I mean being a good human being - considerate, respectful, honest, fair, generous, responsible ... you know, the qualities you hope your children have.
On the other hand, if parents expect children to be lazy, argumentative, thoughtless, selfish, or dependent, kids sense those negatives. "Why," they figure, "should I try to be any different? I guess I'm dumb, slow, a loser, or whatever," and "I have nothing to lose. My parents already think I'm sneaky (or fill in an adjective of your own), so why shouldn't I just lie to them?"
Set An Example
Young people also absorb messages from outside the family and change their behavior to meet those expectations. Sometimes these messages support the positive image that parents want their children to have of themselves.
Other times parents must shield their children from harmful portrayals of youth and low expectations. Whether they're toddlers or teens, children observe parents closely. If we show them negative ways of coping with our own stress, they will follow our example. If we rant at the driver who cut into our traffic lane, our kids will assume that road rage is acceptable. If we drink heavily after work each evening, we're sending the message that alcohol is an acceptable stress reliever. If we binge on junk food whenever we're anxious, they are likely to do the same.
As children's most powerful models, parents are in the best position to teach them about stress and resilience.
This is an excerpt from "Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings," by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, (American Academy of Pediatrics, April 2011). In this book, Dr. Ginsburg gives sound advice to parents, caregivers and communities on how to help kids from 18 months to 18 years of age build seven crucial "Cs" competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control so they can excel in life and bounce back from challenges.(source : kansascity.com)
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